The 3 Most Valuable Words in a Relationship

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“I love you.”

Nope, not those.

I used to think that saying “I love you” was the most important communication in a romantic relationship, but I’ve found that traditional declaration is eclipsed by a statement that is more powerful. So powerful in fact, that it can help transform any relationship, romantic or otherwise.

Level I, II and III listening

In coaching, we’re taught about the three levels of listening, aptly named Level I, II and III. In Level I, we hear what the other person is saying, but only through the lens of how it affects us, personally. We can’t wait for the person to stop talking so we can share how we went through THE EXACT SAME THING, because sharing experiences brings us closer together and we want to let them know that we went through something similar, so we are empathizing and we GET IT, right? Wrong.

Unfortunately, Level I listening is in service only to ourselves, not to the person we’re supposed to be listening to. By thinking about our own experiences while they’re talking, we miss out on absorbing the speaker’s full communication.

In effective Level II listening, we take ourselves and our own issues out of the conversation and we listen carefully to what is being said by the other person. We hear what they’re saying, and, if we were to repeat back to them what we heard, it would be pretty much on the mark. We put aside the things that their words might remind us of, from our own lives, and we listen intently to hear what they have to say.

Level III takes this up a notch. When we are engaged in Level III listening, we are not only hearing the words coming out of the other person’s mouth, we are sensing their emotional state, the energy in the room, the context of the conversation…we are engaged in all of our senses, not only hearing.

Level III listening enables intuitive declarations by the listener about feelings or thoughts that the speaker may not be aware of. I’ve had many coaching conversations when, after listening to a client express their frustration, I might say something like, “You’re exhausted and you want permission to take a break.” And they respond, “YES!”

Sometimes, you need to hear this from someone else, and Level III listening enables deeper, heartfelt, transformative conversations. We tap into what’s not being said but is being felt and experienced.

In all levels of listening during a conversation, there are three words that can excavate deeper awareness and create a closer connection.

“Tell me more.”

These three words are both a request and an implied declaration. The listener is asking for more information from the speaker, thereby communicating a desire to learn more. The listener is also declaring, “I care enough about you that I want to hear more about what you’re experiencing.”

“Tell me more” means I want to know you better. I want to support you as you dive deeper into this experience you’re sharing with me and see if there exist higher truths and learnings we can both extract from your willingness to open up. I celebrate your courage and honesty and I beseech you to continue.

“Tell me more” means I humbly ask you to grant me the intimacy of understanding you as a fellow human being at a more connected level.

“Tell me more” means I am here for you as you plumb your pain and process the learnings from this experience that you might not have recognized in the past.

“Tell me more” means I want to support you in your growth, which in turn allows me to grow as well. I thank you for this gift and for your vulnerability.

The world’s leading relationship scientists, John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, have conducted extensive research over the past 40 years about what makes love last in a relationship. One of their key findings is the concept of relationship bids — when one partner is reaching out to the other for connection in ways as small and simple as a smile or wink, or more in-depth, like a request for help. The Gottmans found that “turning toward” our partners in response to a bid, rather than turning away, results in longer-lasting and happier relationships. They recently had a wonderful conversation about this on Brené Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us.

“Tell me more” is one of the ways we can turn toward a partner, or a friend, or a client…anyone we are in relationship with…to let them know that we care and we are here to support them.

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